Believe it or not, this is what happened:
Suddenly I find it is 3rd Saturday again. These things have a bad habit of creeping up on you. Somehow I was able to talk Cocktroller from POHO/Fredericksburg/ Lunar/ Glitter City/ whateva/ whateva into joining us for the event.
I immediately started drinking when I woke up to stave off any déjà vu. Then I remembered that I had never run a Faking It trail in Macungie before. But like the saying goes: You can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning! So let’s just go with that.
So there is this place called The Pub on Main in Macungie. And where else in Macungie would you start a hash? Legend has it that every Faking It trail tends to be the same. I was determined to see this for myself (this is beginning to sound like it would make a good groundhog day hash).
As I drove into the borough of Macungie not only was I greeted by a bear on every other business and sign but I made a wrong turn to find the burned out shell of what once was a bar. I had to turn around at the ambulance company next door. Good job, guys.
This would later lead to a course change as this bar was once part of the traditional trail. The universe has been plunged into chaos.
We arrive at The Pub on Main. No one seems to know what is going on. Luckily one of our RA’s, Rubber Ripper shows up, so we can have some sort of leadership in circle. Not like we weren’t just winging it anyway.
Turns out Faking It has reinjured her leg. I don’t recall how. Possibly doing the polar plunge for the Special Olympics earlier in the day. Which is what led to our 3 PM start time.
She was asking if anyone wanted to co-hare as running was out of the question for her. Just Christa had been asking about haring trail lately and I noticed the pool of saliva growing around her at the bar. So it was settled.
Somehow I ended up in the parking lot with a pint in my hand, talking to Dancing Fool from Philly hash. Next thing I know there is a circle and before I knew it it was over. ON-OUT!
In a bizarre twist we seemed to be starting in a different direction than everyone anticipated. I had no idea. I was not yet drunk enough to read into the fabric of fate. Yet.
Within a few blocks we found a dead rabbit in the road. No one had thought to mark it. Under The Gaydar had to route his vicious hunting dog around it. Myself, I said a silent prayer to the Hershey company. If this was an omen, Easter was screwed. And quite possibly our trail. Back to that!
Soon a confusing check. A few adventurous souls like Silent But Deadly and Camel Toe Ya Ho went uphill, only finding two marks. No one else seemed so inclined and followed the paths of least resistance. On Two in all directions. So I went up. And as usual I hear, “ON ON!” downhill.
Us wayward fools decided to shortcut through some yards and what looked like a soybean field to catch up. We narrowly escaped the quicksand like properties of that field.
Before long we were back with the pack, along a creek. and crossing a railroad bridge into another field. Another field that tried to suck us in and eat us. We may have to go back and dredge it for missing hashers.
Finally out of the mud we find a true trail flanked by muddy footprints, leading us along the asphalt to the main street, which we crossed to a strip mall and a Beer Near at Pizzetta’s. The hares chalked, “wipe feet or shoes off” on the curb. It was very thoughtful.
It was there that I heard the rumblings that this was basically the traditional Faking It trail, just backwards. And apparently with more mud.
Outside a bunch of us debated hitting up the liquor store next door for a rolling shot check or five. Maybe it was all the kiddie play equipment that was fenced in along the side of the building that turned us away from that particular bad decision. But hey, sometimes mommy needs her medicine. Who am I to knock it?
We were rounding the strip mall. Dancing Fool was somehow keeping up, carrying his bags full of carefully sorted trash that he was picking up on trail. More power to him. Last I heard Captain Planet was dead.
The short cutting bastards met up with us around the block. I guess they ran this trail before.
We were led around an apartment complex, found a check and blindly followed Glory Hole into another field.
Way off, son. And I thought they knew this trail. Back we went and were somehow back on Main street. And at another Pizza shop. We lost Just Joe and Scratch-n-Stiff who decided to stop back in the Pub that we started in.
It was madness as we crowded the place, all trying to buy single cans of beer and slices of pizza. Should of just bought a couple of six packs.
Once we were off I spotted a Party and banquet supply store that no one wanted to help me raid.
Then we were through a park, frightening the muggle population. On the street beyond there was a confusing triad of marks that I still can’t make sense of. Luckily Dunkin Hinds was blindly running farther along and stumbled on more flour.
I recall getting lost near another park. Turns out we were not lost just accidentally shortcutting as pack came towards us as they went the wrong way as well.
the residential neighborhood was not as confusing and soon there was a shot check in a driveway. In a red bag. Some kind of lemonade mixture in a jug. Glory Hole was yelling, “only two shots left!” to the stragglers. Which was everyone that came behind him. Glory Hole is a liar.
From there we went around the “organ” building (insert your own joke here) into a field. Motherfucker! this was the field I had shortcutted through earlier!
There was a stream in the way. I was to be valiant and help Cocktroller across. But Chasez Boys was adamant and I decided to stand down and allow him his white knight moment. This was to end with Cocktroller on her face and Chasez on his ass in the mud. My interference would not have been so notable. I made the best decision.
And suddenly there was truck in the field. With two cases of beer.
The sun was going down. And someone hipped me to the fact that trail was over.
I grabbed a fosters from the open case. then was berated for not drinking the Hamm’s. I do not for a second believe our hare bought that because of me but the pack insisted it was so. So I had to trade my beer in for one of those.
In circle we had boobies, terrible accusations, lots of talking over and plenty of glitter.
Then we walked in the dark a few blocks on the mean streets of Magungie back to The Pub on Main to fend for ourselves. There was also to be some sort of On-After shenanigans at LST and various residences. But I told the authorities I didn’t know anything about any of that.