Third Saturday. How does this keep happening to me? And why doesn’t it happen often enough? I ponder these questions when I’m drinking. So brace yourself for more of that sort of nonsense.
Anywhoo… “Hot and wet.” What can one expect? I don’t care who you are, when hashing, you should always assume you are going to need a drybag. “Hot and wet” just means they are nice enough to tell you.
Our hare for the day had us meet in Allentown’s Kock Park (yes, I spelled that wrong). On the way in I passed Rubber Ripper who was running towards a street full of kids who were being hosed down by the fire department. Probably for drugs and rioting. Perhaps Rubber was looking for some future clients.
The road led around a wooded corner to a dead end where a few half-minds were already parked.
“What a great place for road head,” I thought. I’m sure I wasn’t the only to person to ever think this as a few cars did drive in, take one look at us and then turn and leave. Are you Canadian? Better luck next time, pal.
The craziest part of all this so far was the fact that Glory Hole was there. Even as hare I did not expect him to be on time. He must have slept in the park.
Pork Puller was accepting bribes for trail info. No one seemed to care one way or the other where this shitshow was going.
Red Cock Down brought LVH3 patches. They’re $3 a pop if you need one, and you definitely do.
One thing I needed, besides bug spray and sunblock was to make this feel more like home. And I just happened to have an extra pound of silver glitter in the car. This confused The Shocker who began asking if there was glass on the road. Daddy Came was not so easily fooled and did her best to squirm behind others at the sight of the stuff.
Once everyone was thoroughly covered in herpes and protection, Rubber Ripper shocked us all by starting circle somewhat on time. We blessed the hare then kicked his sorry ass out.
In no particular order: Egg Fucker, Urine Stain, Cause for Blindness, Flounder, Red Cock Down, Rubber Ripper, Glory Hole, Pork Puller, Daddy Came, Twat Squat, I see Dead Wieners, Camel Toe Ya Ho, The Shocker, Beatz It. And I was there too.
Circle was short and sweet and about to get a little salty. ON OUT! But not before I had to pee in the woods. And now I know where to dump that old TV. Everyone else did.
I caught up to Cause, Flounder and Dead Wieners who were already DFLing the crap out of this trail. But got excited when I saw the FRBs just ahead scrambling in all directions. With Whistles blaring we all darted down E. Mosser street into residential housing. Getting all sorts of funny looks. Mainly the “what the fuck is wrong with these crazy white people?” look. That was exactly what they were thinking. I have ESPN. I know the score.
We somehow made it out of there in one piece and were soon led onto a wooded trail and a shot check. A jug of Orange juice. With a hint of a coconut flavor. Hmmm… I thought roofies tasted like almonds.
Beatz it somehow guessed all the right turns of trail (or paid PorkPuller off) and was first there. He kindly poured out the shots for everyone. This was beginning to feel more and more suspect…
Then uphill to Reservoir Park. There the hare lay in wait. With a cache of water balloons. The pack was forced to run through the assault, across the field to the pavillion where the Beer Near was. Piles of balloons were stashed everywhere. And soon not even beer was enough to stop everyone from working out their frustrations on the others. Surprisingly only Dead Wieners sustained a shoulder injury in the melee. Though I’m sure I heard a couple degrading things about people’s mothers.
Once out of ammo the hare abandoned us once more. Only for us to be greeted by shouts from the way we came. Turning, we saw a woman across the field, dressed like a runner and drunkenly shouting at us. So which half mind showed up late and already drunk? Atta girl! Get her a beer! It was quickly discovered that she was NOT one of us. Just some random drunk person emerging from the woods. What was she doing down there? ON OUT! But not before Camel Toe gave her a bottle of water. What a bastard.
Off we went downhill, through more residential zoning and more strange looks. Playing Frogger across Hanover Ave. Around the Dollar store where it was rumored there was a dick check. Passing the Palace Center (whose website makes it look spectacular. I thought it looked like a run down skating rink) there someone left a smashed egg in the street. And it was circled in chalk. I wondered what Egg Fucker was up to ahead of us…
Frogger back across Hanover where we passed the legendary Wild Samoan Pro Wrestling Training Center. No one was in. I checked 🙁
Finally a Beer Near at Freddie’s Bar. Because Glory hole is a vain mofo.
The locals looked like old mill workers. And like they might want to hurt us. This was the part of Allentown that Billy Joel wrote about. That’s where Dunkin Hinds caught up to us. I’m not sure how they felt about the new Asian kid. Luckily Cause and Dead Wieners dragged their DFL asses in and I think the boobies helped negotiate our safe passage out of there.
Then our jerk hare led us back across Hanover AGAIN and down Albert street by the D&L trail and the canal.
Camel Toe found an abandoned couch along the road and exhibited some of his best dance moves. I think he is available for parties.
This seemed like the perfect time to inflate the alligator pool float I had been saving for just such an occasion. Cause immediately named him “Too Soon.” Or “Just Too Soon” in this case.
Right after I peed on the Canadian Geese. What? It was better than what they were swimming in.
Soon we were off the road and under a bridge. Oh look! The waste treatment plant is just across the river! A perfect place for a BN!
Dead Wieners was attacked by the alligator. Though I don’t think it was unprovoked. Cause used this opportunity to attempt to wash off some of the glitter. I think Flounder threatened to make her walk home. And Camel Toe came to the conclusion that our hare was not getting enough of a workout on this shitty trail and helped by sneaking a bunch of large rocks into the flour bag.
Once out trail ran north along the canal. A veritable jungle of poison ivy.
Cause was attacked by Lehigh Canal Al. Who jumped out of the brush. Mini bottles of liquor and all. Luckily I was there with Too Soon and friends were made.
Back down to the river to party decorations and orange food. A fresh out of the hospital Scratch N Stiff joined us to prove he was still alive. Circle formed around an inflatable beer pong table in the river. The sleeve of justice made it’s debut. All the beer was drank.
Then you had your choice of being shuttled back to start or run there.
On After was at Big Woody’s. I heard a good time was had.