It was a rare occasion that I was actually one of the hares so I don’t know what happened on trail other than it seems the entire pack missed a song check.
Since I have no f*cking clue what else happened, you get just the tip of the literary stylings of A BORING HANDJOB!
Hey! A Boring Handjob Here! Soooooo….I volunteered to do Trash for musikmess, which is pretty funny, since I’m like 69% illiterate. But that still makes me smarter than the average hasher, so let’s give this the old (community) college try! Things did not start out so well for ol’ Handjob, leaving my ID in the car like the half-mind that I am, but thankfully I got back in time for circle to kinda sorta figure out who all was there! So without further ado!
Hares: Snatch, Rebound, and Cuntortionist!
Half-Minds: FCS, ABHJ, Scratchy, Twerk & Jerk, Just JC, Just Derek, Just Angela, Placenta Pounder, Just Nikki, Fuck Nana!, PPP, Just Russ, BeatIT, The Shocker, Daddy Came!, (The artist formally known as) Just Chris, (The artist formally known as) Just Nikki, Just Bethany, AARP, Just Val, Just Alie, DunkinHinds, Just Joe, Just Amber, Packs Em in the Rear, EDM, ID, SBD, Just Donna, Just donna’s friend. OPPPPPPPP / On her Cycle
We’ve Got Virgins!
JUST Morgan & JUST Devin (FCS Made them cum), Just mike (Just Russ made him cum), Just JC (i have no idea who made him cum…but I encourage you all to do so), and some other guy, but dunkin and (the artist formally known as) Just Chris were loudly flirting with each other, so I couldn’t hear. Sorry “other virgin”.
Metro sexual – Panama city
Kojak Moment – Princeton
And awayyyyyyy we go! After a positively inspiring (read: Shitty!) Circle by the one and only scratch and stiff, off we went on Trail! The following are an accumulation of notes from my phone, and I only have an idea what one or two of these things mean, so bare with me as I attempt to fill in the blanks and make a bunch of shit up.
First and foremost, shortly after trail began, Nana…out! No seriously, he just fucking up and disappeared. We were approaching BN#1 at Rubber Ripper’s House and SBD is all like “hey nana, I think trail goes up this way”, and I’m pretty sure I heard Nana say “fuck you, I’m out” before crashing headfirst into a sea of Festers. “Rubber Ripper?” you say? “But Handjob, he’s not on the Roll Call!” RIGHT? Despite ditching us for Nittany Campout, RR was so kind as to let us use his garage for a Beer Near. We take back all the mean things we’ve said about you (ok, that’s a lie). Right around this time, Just Joe exercised his baller status and picked up some virgin hariettes off the street, and OPPP showed up out of nowhere! Yay for more hashers!
Back to trail, which smack dab in the middle of the Fest brings us across the first (and only) Naughty check. So many asses to smack, so little time! Poor Kojak (DFL) had nobody to smack his ass, and went to try and catch the pack, but got called by some random bartender for bailing.. Said bartender then came out from behind her stand, laid all 5 fingers across Kojak’s (bare) ass, and he was given permission to continue. Daddy and illegal discharge found clues and swag. This would continue pretty much all day. Lots of clues, lots of swag….lots of daddy discharge.
Which brings us to Beer near #2 at old brewery tavern which opened up just for us! Holy shit, Nana’s back! We drank all the beers and Catshit bought all the shots – Pack out!
Our second unique check of the day is Polka check! Despite the fact that we were given explicit instructions by the hares that ladidadi everybody needed to wait at the Polka check, a bunch of FRBs decided to disregard and plow right through it. Jerks. Whatever, we had fun dancing to Weird Al without you.
My next note says “Shit near – dunkin takes it (in) the face…twice!” I think this is in reference to Dunking getting the shot check all over his face, but the typo is way funnier so we’re committing.
Beer near #3, this time down by the river! On the southside…technically. As folks are trying to avoid the puddles and get to the beer, a bunch of assclowns drive through and get PPP all wet. But not in the way she typically enjoys. But hey, a wet PPP is a wet PPP. BN #4 @ arts quest for food and beverages, altho SBD and I were fooled by the Bonn Cock tease. And then since they were wet already, OPPP and PPP got laid! Er…leied! Super hot PPP on (O)PPP action. That’s just science, folks. With 4 beer nears and a shot-check in the books, it’s time to head On-In, which leads to a deplorable display of Race-ism from Just Derk and Just Devin. I don’t remember who won…just that they both lost. They’re new, they’ll learn.
(The artist formally known as) Just Chris and Dunkin had a 2 horse race for Drunkest Girl at the Party. Dunkin passed out during circle, so I think he won? Visitors got brought into circle and…well…so much penis. That’s all I have to say about that. Accusations and announcements were total, unadulterated chaos! But we topped it all off with not one, but TWO namings!
Just Chris is now forever known as Tampon Phalanges!
Just Nikki is now forever known as Shits and Giggles!
And that, my friends, brings a close to Musikmess 2017. Until next time…