This trail was preceded by a night of snow and ice. The roads sucked. But hash cash was a new pair of socks for Ian’s Box Of Socks https://www.facebook.com/Ians-Box-of-Socks-390474174449382/ which collects new socks for the homeless students in the Allentown school district. Sounds like a good deal right? Yeah, until you walk out of Walmart with $20 worth of socks. You too? Man, we suck at math.
Anyway, if you couldn’t be bothered to brave the elements for this then you must really hate kids.. And homeless kids to boot! Way. To. Go. (Sarcastic. slow. clap.)
Cuntortionist was laying an A-B trail. Rubber Ripper was signed on to co-care but he hates kids too so the jerk bailed and Bonertown had to step in.
Because I dislike A-B trails I parked near the projected end and hiked across the Fehy bridge. Right down the middle. Because it was half closed and under construction. Safety third!
A few near broken necks on the ice later and I was at the Bethlehem Brew Works
Bad Decision Bear showed up with Fairy Catshit in tow. Not sure which one drove though.
The hashers slowly trickled in, giving us early birds a chance to drink some more. It was fun to watch the staff grow increasingly uncomfortable as they tried really hard to act like everything was normal.
We had a visitor from Reading. How Long. But he didn’t want any association with those wankers so he told us he was from the OTHER Reading. How Long? No one knows. You cant understand a fuckin’ word the guy says.
Out Of The Woods appeared with his sack which quickly took over as sock sack. What hashers lack in sobriety they sure make up for in generosity. Then before our eyes Woods transformed into some kind of… Gay Mayan warrior… from the North Pole. It was beautiful.
Socks collected, drinks drank, circle commenced under the parking garage around the back of the building. I had to run back. The visitor was lost. He was running around the neighborhood looking for us. The guy never speaks English so no one was going to help him. There was pictures with Santa and I would have stopped but I wasn’t paying $15 plus I had a half a beer back at circle.
By this time Bad Decision Bear had acquired a bottle of wine. And pack was out.
I, of course, began making bad decisions immediately. How Long was waaaaay up the street not answering the calls of “RU!?!” Race-ist prick. Some Damned walker ended up finding the hash which looped around the block back to Main Street, down to the hill to hill bridge and then through the Moravian College buildings. Half-minds were scattering all over until someone found a shot check that was not marked a shot check. It was marked a “photo op.“ And no one was really sure how they got there.
We filtered out. Before long we were at the Bethlehem public library. Trail was well marked. Dunkin Hinds appeared for the first time of the day and was taking selfies in front of the big Christmas tree and started yelling at us, “You’re going the wrong way! I just came from there!” Which meant he was doing trail backwards.
Red Cock Down and I jumped the barricade to take a selfie with Baby Jesus. Because he’s famous AF!
Then around the sculpture garden with cold willies and down and across the street to a mistletoe check on the bridge. As much as I may have liked to kiss RCD to pass, we decided to use it as a chance to allow pack to catch up. Those damn half-minds were all up there by the baby Jeebus scene waving down the hill to us like we were going the wrong way. They should know better than to listen to Dunkin.
Once we were allowed to cross the bridge some homeless lady ratted out the hares and told us which way to go.
Again we had to wave back How Long from way off on the horizon as trail cut around the block to a BN at Lehigh Pizza.
We all armed ourselves with our favorite lubricant. I’m so glad they still sell 40’s of Mickey’s Malt Liquor.
We then proceeded to annoy the other patrons and clog the toilets. The homeless lady must have followed us and was collecting the pizza crusts and spare change to buy her Steel Reserve. Then the workers yelled at us for drinking there. Apparently you are not allowed to do that if you are not waiting for food. So basically we got kicked out.
Trail took us through the Lehigh campus to another shot check by the frat houses where Erect Dick Maker’s pic was found hanging on the wall of one of them. If I had it I’d post it.
Then up the woods (not Out Of The Woods, who, by now, was magically transformed into a gay Christmas elf! The magic of Christmas continues!).
Finally, at the top of this mountain we found ourselves facing the Star of Bethlehem. It was getting dark and I bitched, “Why the fuck isn’t it lit up?!” And no shit. It lit up. I would have saved that miracle had I known.
There was a BN and a large pile of stones. Someone had the brilliant idea to play king of the hill. What What (Mud In The Butt) was the first casualty of this mayhem with a jacked up knee and ripped pants.
Then we were informed trail was over. A bunch of us jumped in Fairy Catshit’s vehicle, narrowly escaping Bonertown nearly being shot by the police, and raved all the way down the hill.
“THE OTHER RAVE SUCKS! THE OTHER RAVE SUCKS!”
Anyway. We drank beer and shots at the ice rink. Did circle outside. Just Danielle got named PPP (Poppa’s Pussy Pus (?)) … apparently Pus-sy (pus filled) and pussy (kitty) are spelled the same. don’t mix that up when describing an infection to your father via text. Thanks to us Danielle won’t make that mistake again.
RCD, Twink Baby and I pulled the ol’ irish goodbye and the others continued to drink. I later heard that that some genius let those drunk fuckers out on the ice where Under The Gaydar broke his tailbone (his butt was probably sore anyway) and all the little kids laughed at him.
So if you missed it, you must really hate kids (even if they laugh at Gaydar). You heartless bastards. I can’t believe you would do that! I don’t even know you anymore!
The End. Merry Christmas. Holy Shit.