Trail #299 – A Cause Went Over the Mountain (subtitled: Me So Thorny)

LVH3 Trail #299 – “A Cause Went Over the Mountain” (Subtitled: Me So Thorny)

When: 8/18/18

Where: South Mountain, Bethlehem (all the fuck over)

Who? – AND THE HARE: Ya Lion CLINT. Errrrrybody Else: Cumtucky Slurpee, Cause for Blindness, Just Brett, Just Manda, Egg Fucker, Swollen & Moist, Dunkin Hindz, 3Way Runaway, Cuntortionist, Tampon Phalanges, Just Naomi, Legends of the Fleshlight, Optopussy, Packs em in the rear, Bitch Tits, Puko De Mayo, and myself, your glorious leader AND fill-in hash trash for this wonderful event, A Boring Handjob!

What?: So no shit, there we were (in a world where there we were), hanging out in the Disc Golf parking lot, dodging errant dicks disks, when we were lead in a terrible, horrible circle by the one and only Cuntortionist. Wait..what? Cuntortionist was there? Nobody remembers for sure, but this $5er in my pocket says that she was in fact here….ISN’T THAT RIGHT, 3WAY?! After a rousing rendition of “how many different hashers is Egg Fucker today” the pack was off to play a little game called Up the Mountain, Down the Mountain. And that’s exactly what we did. Honestly, it makes for a super easy hash trash, because first we went up the mountain…

Then down the mountain…

Then up…

Then down…

Then up…

Then down…

But enough about that boring handjob. Let’s get back to trail. In the first mile or so, we managed to almost kill Cause getting down a super shiggylicious hill-side trail. We also managed to find (or be found by) Bitch Tits and Pukey in the middle of nowhere. It was probably the smell of our collective sexuality that lead them right towards us. And then there was BEER! AND SPINEY TREES TRYING TO KILL US! AND HOLY SHITBALLS, A MAGICAL DANCIN FOOL APPEARED OUT OF NOWHERE! Almost forgot about that sneaky fucker because he never signed in, but there he was, a bag of trash and a random rake / trail treasure in hand.


A few more trips up and down the mountain brought us to bottle of fireball (YAY!) a huge briar patch (BOO!). We should have known we were in for a nice poking when Ya Lion put on pants for a trail in 90* weather. That fucking fuck. But honestly, it wasn’t so bad. Hell, the light pain actually turned Bitch Tits on. It was weird watching him fight his way through the stickers with his itty bitty boner a’showin’, but who are we to judge.

The final beer stop brought us to the south mountain / Lehigh U sculpture garden. The two highlights here were Dancin taking all the can art off the trees so he could recycle them (“No Dancin, No!” screamed Dunkin. “They belong there!”) And 3way LITERALLY giving birth to pukey out of his ass while sitting on the concrete throne. It was just as special as it sounds.

On-in Back to closing circle which was guest RA’d by Egg and Dunk….no wait, Dunkin is far too distracted by orange food to concern himself with circle. So our lovely guest RA EGG lost control of the circle, and we were all the better for it.

ON-ON TO 300!


Posted in Hash Trash.

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