What’s up there wanks, it’s your friendly neighborhood Handjob bringing it to you LIVE (and/or a week or two later) with May’s Hash Trash! “But Handjob,” you ask, “I thought T-Blowner was Hash Trash…where’s that guy? Is he OK?” I’m not sure, sports fans…I’m not sure. Last I heard, he was eaten by a bear. Or maybe he was bare and eating? I can never remember these things, but don’t worry, he’ll be back and better than ever next month!
• Where: East Side Allentown, la Casa de Woods
• When: Trail #239, May 19th , 2018
• Why? To benefit LV Autism! We raised some money because we’re not d-bags ALL the time!
• Who! Roll call mothafucka!:
o Hares: Out of the Woods & Ghett Ho Inferno
o Halfminds: ME! (A Boring Handjob), 3way Runaway, Twink Baby, Phishy, Sex-A-Sketch, Packs em in the Rear, Skratch and Sick….er….Stiff, Just Alex, Fairy Cat Shit, Twinkle Twat, Dunkin Hindz, Silent But Deadly, PPP
o Virgins! : Just Manda (PPP Made her c*m….oooooooo baby)
o It was rainy and messy so I tried to dick-tate these notes on my phone through a plastic bag. All notes WILL be included whether or not they make sense.
o What should we expect for trail today? “No Specific Marks” – Ghetto inferno. We think that was supposed to mean that there were no special or unusual marks, but man did we not know how true that was. We had piles of crushed up cereal. We had mystery marks under fallen trees. We had little broken green army men that were acting as marks? But what we didn’t have? One single correctly laid true trail. But that’s ok…two virgin hares and all…
o Before we even left Woods’ house, Just Alex put his head through the rear screen door. There’s a joke in here about Woods’ enjoying somebody’s head going through his rear (door), but I will NOT stoop that low!
o Anddddddddd we’re off! We’re only like 8 bullets in and we’re finally on trail, where we found “just a few” fruit loops. And by just a few, I mean a lot. Piles and piles of crushed up fruit loops. Despite all these fruit loops, the entire pack essentially got lost immediately in and/or around a cemetery, so we spread out aimlessly for about ten minutes, when THANKFULLY Sex-a-sketch never actually found trail but he DID find a shot check!
o Shot Check #1! – There was a hula-hoop
o hidden in the middle of the woods with some booze in it. We drank said booze. We were supposed to take the hula-hoop with us, but we didn’t know that, so we left it as an offering to the shaggy gods. Oh, and 3way and SBD are lost as fuck. For all we know, they gave up and went home (narrator: they should have)
o Beer near #1 – A short jaunt out of the woods (get it) after the first shot check, we find a nice pickup truck BN in a parking lot. Everybody is chillin and HOLY FUCKING SHITSNACKS HERE COME 3WAY AND SBD. We’re glad they’re alive. I throw a beer to SBD and he drops it. Alcohol abuse….SAD!
o It was right about this time that we encountered the worlds largest hash mark…which was either a check and/or a really ugly question mark that took up the entire intersection. Needless to say, we still almost missed it.
o Shot Check #2 – This was up a hill under an overpass. Up, under, over, for those of you paying attention. My notes say “Taken at your own risk. Twinkle says duck [sic] no. FSC Tries and fails. ‘Good old poop dick!’ – 3way” So, as you can see, things were getting weird by this point. ACCUSATION: 3way and Just Alex and Twink all performed unnecessary working out on trail. It wasn’t sex, because I know you’re thinking it was sex. Ok…maybe it was sex.
o BN#2 – Casa de Twink-way Town. – we stop at the crib for a quick round, and the hares are out of flour. They’ve gone through like 6 bags and 3 boxes of cereal. It’s some kinda record. So far SBD is already at 4.5 miles, but only like 1 of those miles has actually been following trail. He’s blacked out twice, and has no idea where he is at this point.
o Shot check #3! – Shot check #3 is literally just a bottle of red stag sitting in the middle of a playground. An occupied playground, with actual real life human children. FSC Proudly proclaims: “Well, I hate myself, so I’m going for it!” This is both glorious, and an open invitation for us all to get arrested. Ghett Ho stuck around for a bit too long to ensure that the Red Stag didn’t get stolen, and Packs ‘em caught her. He was rewarded for catching the hares by getting a shit load of flour dumped on him and getting his ass slapped. Sounds like a good time to me!
o On-in / circle!: Ummm….highlights – Q: “Cat shit, how many” A: “….12 cat shits”. 3-way tried to steal all the prizes, but then came back b/c home was too far away. Woods is a serious fucking pyro. And an in-ground baby pool was conceived.
-A Boring HandJob