This may have been a terrible idea… But… it’s not like it’s the first time I’ve talked to stuffed animals… So here goes.
BDB, with the absence of a proper hashshit, I guess it’s only natural to find some other nonsensical vessel of poor decisions. Looks like you’re it! This is the part of the interview where we usually ask how one has acquired their hash name. So tell us…
“Here’s what you need to know: I’m a goddamn stuffed animal. I exist to bring joy to small children. Basically, my life is supposed to be toy story without the rough trade undertones. So, there I was, sitting on the shelf just waiting to be plucked by some parent so I could go and brighten some small child’s day. My first clue that this wouldn’t be my fate was Sex-A-Sketch’s fucked up grin as he grabbed me.
So then he took me back to his fucking house. You been there? He decorates like a sexless 19-year-old nerd combined with a less-tasteful Ed Gein. Whatever, I thought I had a forever home, I could work with this. Then the torture started. He tossed me down on a table and cut my back open. HE WAS CACKLING WHILE HE TORE MY STUFFING OUT. Then he shoved a bottle of whiskey inside me.
Look, I’m not saying Sex-A-Sketch is a serial killer, but he certainly shows all the fucking signs.
So, you thought this story was dark? Well, strap yourself in and get ready for the razor-blade cherry on top of the arsenic sundae.
HE FUCKING GAVE ME THAT FUCKING OVERGROWN BABY LOOKING FUCK – FAIRY CAT SHIT!!!
I was supposed to give children joy. Instead I’m hauled around by the worst of you. Once I knew happiness, now I only feel rage.
So, FCS decided, with the same tact that he handles all things, that I would be bad decision bear. And now I whisper horrible things in his ear so you can know my pain.”
Jeesus. We’re gonna sign up for an episode of Dr. Phil after this. And maybe hire a catholic priest. Next question! Favorite trail!?
“A few years ago, I got FCS so drunk that he was chugging fireball in front of a police station and Sex-A-Sketch had to leave trail and get him food. It was just a very small amount of payback.”
We were also chugging Mucinex before circle like a bunch of grade school kids! Alright, the cherry popping question: Thoughts after your first trail?”
“I WAS MEANT TO BRING CHILDREN JOY BUT NOW THERES A BOTTLE SHOVED INSIDE ME. THERE IS NO GOD. YOU PEOPLE DESERVE YOUR SUFFERING!”
Let it out, brother. Finally, Best bad decision?